Dad was in the hospital from Fri, 6th, until Thursday, 12th, night. Things were really bad. Nobody was really sure he would make it until the the Friday after he got home. We expected him to come home from the hospital much sooner, but Dad has other plans. He opted for TPN, (food in a bag) which he felt would make him stronger. Hospice won't cover someone who is on TPN, so it requires lots of help and a daily nurse to stop by. He was in the hospital for so long because they were awaiting his insurance to approve the TPN, which they did. Uncle Jim, my Dad's brother got here Mon while Dad was still in the hospital and Todd got here Friday,13th, morning. Bev and I got here Friday night.
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| So excited!! |
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| He fell asleep often. |
My first initial response of seeing my dad was shock. My family has told us he looks skinny, but to actually see him look so skinny....I can't explain it. You just can't imagine the pain and heartache it causes to watch someone suffer like my dad is, unless you have experienced it. It is really awful. His shoulders are skin and bones. You can feel his spines, see his collar bones, everything. Then he has this really big belly. It's the cancer. I asked him if I could feel it, and he let me. It's hard, kind of like a baby. Bev calls it a cancer baby. I secretly kind-of hate the name, but it actually describes it kind-of well. Then his feet, oh my his feet are SO swollen. Huge! It's caused by all the liquid that his body is producing. He is starting to lose feeling in them. He can't eat or drink anything, so he has cups full of water, apple juice, and ginger ale by his bed to swish in his mouth. It gets really dry and I think it starts to hurt him a little. I think a little bit of liquid can go down, but not much. He drinks the ginger ale mostly for a little flavor or spice I think. Uncle Jim bought him different kinds of drinks to try, but they caused him to throw up. Like the dye in it or something.
The first few days were ok. Dad got out of bed a few times. He needs help walking, because he has a TPN bag to carry, which is a little heavy, a pain pump bag, and the oxygen. All tubes we have to move and untwist for him to be able to walk. Also, since he is losing feeling in his feet, he has a hard time walking. It got harder the longer we were there. Anyway, the first few days were ok. He watched a movie with us every night. Aliens in the Attic- for the little ones, Reel Steal- man flick, then Dick and Jane- comedy. He wanted to watch all different sorts of ones to make everyone happy. ;) He would get upset if we got up to leave. He just really wanted us to watch a movie with him. I know it wasn't the movie, but more the time spent together. We spent a few days doing his accounting work. My dad is a CPA, and is SO organized on his finances. I reconciled a bank rec for him and he taught me how to work his system and showed me the files he had. It was nice and frustrating at the same time. He definitely has a way he likes to do things. :)
Beverly's boy Nathan sent a Flat Stanley down to FL to Mitchell. It was a school project. They were supposed to take pictures and send them back. Funny thing is Uncle Jim had a Flat Staley from his granddaughter too!! Here are the grandpa's with their Flat Stanley's. :)
Us with Uncle Jim.
Mom and me
Todd and me
Bonnie and the happiest baby ever, Vance!
Bev and Vance
The way to this little man's heart. Food. :)
Dad with his sister and brother, Aunt Gayle and Uncle Jim
(Uncle Duane isn't pictured)
Dad, Aunt Gayle, and me
Kellie, Bev, and I
The triplets
Dad made it out to the dinner table one night. It was hard to eat in front of him. This was the first night we did. He came out after we had eaten dinner. Aunt Gayle cooked us awesome spaghetti and meatballs and then had dessert that we ate in front of dad. I felt a little bad, but I was glad he was there with us for a little bit.
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The triplets with Dad
Dad made sure he was holding all of our hands. |
On Wednesday, he didn't want to get out of bed anymore. He was too tired. :( We could tell he was getting weaker and weaker as the week went on. He called the nurses to talk to them about his TPN. He feels like he should be getting stronger, but it isn't working, so he wants a different combo. Unfortunately, we feel like the TPN won't make a difference at all. He is puking constantly, and Bev thinks that it's just his body rejecting the TPN/vitamins. I think she's right. He started getting a little bit more 'testy' towards the end of the week. Like, he would say things that were a little rude, but he didn't mean it. It's just anxiety. I'd be mad too I guess. The nurse said that Hospice could give him a shot for that if they were here. On Friday night he said, "Was I mean?" I said, "no Dad" He said, "Yes, I was. I just can't help it." Broke my heart, he doesn't mean it. From the time we got there to the time we left, he lost 6 pounds.
It was really great to spend time with Uncle Jim. He loves his brother so much. He took such good care of my dad and helped clean the whole house! Uncle Jim lost his wife to Fibrocarcinoma, so he has done this before. Aunt Gayle, (my dad's sister) lost her husband to colon cancer, and also her dad, our grandpa, to cancer as well. My dad's other brother also lost his son to Leukemia. It's not easy. I hate cancer. HATE IT!
It was great to be there with Todd too. Part of me felt bad for taking up Uncle Jim and Todd's time with my dad, because we weren't supposed to come until the 18th, but I don't regret it. I am so glad we went when we did. Bev said it was kind-of perfect for Dad to spend time with the triplets all at once, and it was nice.
Dad's needs a lot of help. Help walking to the restroom, help bathing, we have to change his bandages daily, drain his lung catheters, massage his feet...they hurt, a lot. Everything hurts.
Thursday he got out of the house for the first time in a week. We took him to Will's house! Will is flipping his first house, and Dad wanted to see it. We got everything ready. Drinks, oxygen tank, chair... We made him a comfy spot in the truck. As comfy as possible anyway, because he is very uncomfortable. He was proud of Will. Loved the house, the big trees, and liked that it was right by a Baptist church, Mormon church, and Catholic church. Said he had that going for him. :) We walked him around and he would stop to sit often. Bev and I kept on bumping into each other because we were carrying his chair, tubes, oxygen tank, and drinks, just trying to keep up with him. We were laughing because we thought it was funny. On the way to Will's house, Dad asked me to pray that it will go fast. :'( I asked if it was the pain, and he said it was just everything. I can't imagine living like he has. It's unbearable to even watch.
One day we enjoyed swimming with our nephew Blake while Dad's nurse Richard was taking care of him. It was fun to spend time with him. He had been waiting to swim with us ever since Kellie told him we were coming!
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| Bev and Blake |
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| Blake and me |
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| Kellie and me |
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| Uncle Jim taking a picture of Blake holding Flat Stanley |
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| Beverly and me |
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| Mom, Will and me |
Friday night us eight kids skyped with Dad. Towards the end of the week, he liked things really quiet. Like it was hard for him to hear noise. So, we told all the siblings to be quiet and just let Dad talk. He let us know what he wanted to do with his stuff, and we just listened. It was fun to have everyone there, but sad too. It was Bev's and my last night and we selfishly wanted to spend time with him by ourselves, but it worked out. Our last night was really hard. What do you say? We held his hand for a long time. He doesn't want to be alone. We just sat there, and cried. Dad kept on saying, "I love you, very much!" We said we loved him so much too and that we would miss him so much. He said he'd miss us too. Really, this is so personal, and I'm not sure if I should be writing this all down, but I want too. I don't want to forget what was said that last night we were sitting on his bed. (I'm balling just writing this)
One more thing and this is super personal. My dad is not LDS. My mom raised us all LDS and we believe there is 'life after death.' I truly believe we will be together again. I KNOW we will. My dad though, he is scared. Understandably so, I think death is a very scary thing, but he doesn't believe there is anything after death. Or he just doesn't know. I told him one night, that I think his mom and dad will be waiting for him on the other side. I seriously can visually picture his mom and dad, grandparents, and nephew just waiting to greet him on the other side. My dad said he hoped so. But here's the personal part. On Friday night, when Bev and I were sitting on his bed holding his hand, I could feel their presence. I know they were there.. .comforting us? Comforting my dad? I don't know, but I could feel them in the room. I just know it. We will be together again some day. I love you Dad!
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| The last night |
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| It was hard to say good bye |
I'm glad my kids didn't see him like this. People would tell me that, "you don't want your kids to see him this way." And I always thought, of course I would want them to see their grandpa. But when I got home and showed my kids the pictures, they said, "wow, Grandpa looks different." Right then, I was glad they didn't see him like that and I shut off the camera and didn't show them anymore pictures. Then, I was 100% sure that I made the right choice in not taking them to the funeral. They have wonderful memories of Grandpa
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| All the girls with Mom |
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| All the sisters with Dad |
